Saturday, April 27, 2013
Shakespeare is one of the topics we don't bring up very often in our home because it leads to these types of arguments.....
[Enter Chorus] (the chorus is inside my head and narrates my life)
Here we see a Shakespearean film on screen,
In fair Roswell, where we lay our scene,
The film concludes and the chorus sings
Hey nonny, nonny! Hey nonny, nonny, hey.
Act 1: Scene 1
Jaime: I didn't like that movie all that much.
Josh [exaggerated sarcasm]: Why not? It won Oscars. What could you possibly dislike about it?
Jaime: Well for one, it was entirely inaccurate historically.
Josh: Like the part about Shakespeare writing his own plays?
Jaime: I can't have conversations with you about Shakespeare. You turn into the biggest nerd.
Chorus: Nerd? Nerd?! Everyone knows Christopher Marlowe wrote all of Shakespeare's plays (that illiterate hack)!
Act 1: Scene 2
[After more argument.]
Josh: You were told by your 9th grade English teacher that Romeo & Juliet was written by the man whose name is on the play and you believed them.
Jaime: Maybe it was 9th grade for you. But in Virginia...6th grade.
Jaime: Yes. [this goes on for a few days]
Josh: There is no way you read Shakespeare in 6th grade. 6th graders don't have the mental capacity to understand Shakespeare.
Jaime: Maybe in Kentucky...
Josh: No! No 6th grader can understand Shakespeare.
Jaime: I don't even know why I read it in 6th grade. My memory is of it being in Geography class.
Josh: I can't talk to you about Shakespeare. Why would you make up memories to lie about this?
Chorus: Conspiracy theories from the 16th century are one thing, but Shakespeare in a 6th grade Geography class? Who's the crazy one here?
Monday, April 15, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
Today I was eating breakfast with Tessa and George, and Tess asked for her favorite cinnamon cereal. Well that reminded me that I needed to scold her for having sprinkled cinnamon on her bathroom sink.
So, I asked her, "Why were you playing with cinnamon in the bathroom last night?" And she just kind of mumbled some nonsense not wanting to answer the question.
Last night was an awful night to be an Alley kid. She spent the whole night watching She-ra because I was trying to get work done and Jaime was out. So being ignored and also being hungry, she apparently turned feral and started fending for herself. After pestering her to tell me why she played with the cinnamon, she said, "I was hungry. I like cinnamon. So, I got some in my hand and tried to eat it. I had it on my tongue a while and then had to go spit it out."
The poor little dummy basically did the cinnamon challenge! And like everyone else, she failed!
In case you don't know what the cinnamon challenge is, I've got a video of some dummies doing it below. Some people very dear to me have done this, but I couldn't find the video evidence again. I know it's out there, though.
When I told her that she shouldn't play with the cinnamon, she said, "Oh, I learned my lesson. I learned many lesson."
Good. But man do I wish I had seen her learning her lesson...because I'm an awful person/dad.
Speaking of which, here are some videos of me torturing George. I was feeding him one day and made him wear a bib. We rarely make him wear a bib, and for whatever reason, this time it was like I had strapped a radioactive torture device around his neck. He could not get it off fast enough--no, literally, he couldn't figure out how to get it off! I would have intervened, but as I was filming him, I was just kind of dumbfounded by his reaction to being oppressed by the evil bib. It was like watching a Jim Carry movie where he has a fight with himself:
Don't judge me. Sometimes I feel like my job as a Dad is to be like the National Geographic documentary cameraman who stays behind the camera and doesn't save the poor baby zebra from getting eaten by the crocodile. Gotta just let nature do its thing. And as you will see, the baby zebra saves itself in the end:
It was all for his own good
Monday, February 11, 2013
At dinner, I mentioned something about brains to Tess, which apparently is a very sore subject for her.
Tess: Do you remember when I beat you at War?
[It had only been like an hour since she beat me]
Me: Yes, I have that memory.
Tess: Is it in your head?
Me: It's in my brain.
Jaime: That's where memories are stored. In the brain.
Tess: I don't like... ugh...why is everyone always talking about brains to me?
[She was annoyed with us at this point and not hiding it]
Us: Who does that?
Tess: Uh. You know. Just saying brain at me and stuff.
Note to the world...no more talking about brains at Tess. She then went on to tell us that she knows everything about brains already. So, you're wasting your time anyway.
Also, who of you is just randomly saying, "Brain," at her? That's kind of weird gang...but to be honest, we plan on doing it a lot now.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Me: Do you know who the president of the United States is?
Tess: Ummm...I think it is President Obamonson.
Friday, January 4, 2013
He is still about 93% vampire (as seen from his pasty white skin). Not Twilight vampires, though, since those aren't really vampires. Sparkling like diamonds. What a bunch of crap. Anyway, he just has no Samoan pigment in him at all. So much so that you just can't use the flash when taking pictures of the guy, or you get the effect from this picture. His skin is so clear, it almost has a bluish tint from the blood vessels underneath. And/or he is living with a mild case of chronic hypothermia.
Also, he is starting to get some teeth. But as long as someone is near him, he is all smiles:
And this is my favorite picture of him so far:
It was possibly taken mid-poop.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
But a few days ago it looked like this below. Before this last week, I couldn't get the pine trees the way I wanted them. Not a huge change, but it makes me hate it less! I just need to fix the trees in the foreground to my liking still.
Anyway, the reason for that background information is that I had this painting out in the open to work on it this last week...and also so Erin knows that I haven't completely forgotten about this even though I am ridiculous.
Apart from leaving the painting out in front of a 4 year old, I also made the mistake of leaving a paintbrush and some wet paints sitting near it. So, Friday when I was in the shower, this knock came on the door and there was a small voice trying to get my attention. I couldn't tell what she wanted because the shower was on and the fan. I could tell she said something about a painting and wanting to paint. But I just told her that I would have to finish my shower and then I would come out to talk.
Then I went back to my shower, and it quickly donned on me that the painting was out in the open with paints and a brush nearby. And I remembered that Jaime was reading the internets, so the painting was completely unprotected. Jaime is dead to the world when there is internet to be read. So, I quickly finished my shower and came out to find I was too late. She had made some additions to the painting. On the brown path, she had decided there should be grass. Well, I was able to erase her finishing touches, but she was still feeling the painting bug.
So, I found another old painting of a picture of a Hawaiian coast that I had started to paint years ago when I was in college. I didn't care for that painting either and had no plans of ever finishing it, so I brought it out for Tess and I to use.
When we finished, we needed to give it a title:
Me: What should we name it?
Tess: Landscape Pretty. That will be it's first name, what will be it's middle name?
Me: How about Hawaii? So is its last name Alley?
Tess: Um, no...It's last name is Don't Let George Get It.
Me: Landscape Pretty Hawaii Don't Let George Get It. I like it.
Then yesterday, I was asking her about the painting again:
Me: So, do you think our painting is beautiful?
Tess: I think it is pretty. I think it would be more pretty if you hadn't covered up my brown.
To make the painting, I had her try and match colors from the palette with colors on the painting. And then I added a bunch of other colors to brighten up the greens and browns that she used. Big mistake apparently.
And so I present to you Landscape Pretty Hawaii Don't Let George Get It:
I've never been to Hawaii, but I'm pretty sure this captures it pretty well. Jaime, who has been to Hawaii, doesn't agree, but everyone knows she only likes sensual art.
And one of Tess after her artistic triumph: